Where It Ends
by Shodfire
Summary: This is set 5 years after s2e13 and is canon until then. It's about lost love and the desperate need for closures - even after 2 years apart.
1. Prologue

**A/N:**

So, this is my very first piece of fanfiction. As in ever. And I had _a lot_ of doubts whether or not to even write it, but ideas, plots, and dialogues just kept popping up in my mind all the time. Finally, I accepted that I had lost the battle and wouldn't be able to let this go unless I wrote it. So here we are.

Please, consider the fact that English is not my first language and this story is not beta-read. I apologize for all further mistakes (because there most likely will be some) - I will do my best to avoid them and/or edit them out when I stumble upon them.

With that said; I really hope, you'll enjoy going on this ride with me. I know, I will. Happy reading.

* * *

I just want to state right here from the beginning that I love Alexander Lightwood. Have so for quite some time now. With all my heart and soul - Whatever that's worth for a Downworlder.

But despite that, I was never naive enough to believe that we would have all eternity together. Mortal/immortal-relationships normally don't work that way. I know that. After several hundred of years of living, believe me, I know that. But then again... There was never anything _normal_ about me and Alexander.

No, I'm not just talking about the fact, that he was a Shadowhunter, and I a warlock, and that for itself was enough to place us in two completely different places. Let's not forget that when I first met Alec, he was completely in love with his parabatai-brother, and every single person around him knew it. Except for him of course.

If there is anything I've come to learn about Alec, it's that for a very sensitive guy, he was never really good with feelings. You all remember how long it took me to finally get him to go out with me, right? I mean, Jesus, he was so close to getting himself married to Lydia before he finally accepted who he was.

But that's Alec in a nutshell. He was always the more rational, logical one of us, and don't get me wrong, sometimes that was a good thing. He kept me grounded, whenever I needed it, which - let's be honest here - was quite so often.

But we were always very different. Sometimes that was a good thing as well. At other times...not so much.

I will never forget our first official date - where I told him, how many people I'd been with. And he told me how many people he hadn't been with. I remember thinking _"This is when you're gonna lose him, Magnus."_ But as so many other times Alexander Lightwood had a way of surprising me when I least expected it.

But that wasn't the only time I've thought I was losing him. For a long time, it seemed like every single cell in the universe were against me and Alec figuring things out together. Things got in the way of us. A lot.

Like that time when Jace was with Valentine, and Alec almost died trying to find him. Or when Alec was possessed by a demon and accidentally killed Jocelyn. And it almost killed _him_. Or when he got me DNA-tested for a Shadowhunter-kill by orders from The Clave (don't _even_ get me started). And do everyone remember when Valentine broke into the institute to activate the Soulsword and created a complete Downworld-massacre?

At least there came something good out of that one. Something very good. Like Alec telling me he loved me for the very first time.

Of course, this was just to mention a few things that have gotten in the way of us over the time. And it's all history now. Valentine got locked up. After a while with The Clave, they sentenced him to death. The Mortal Cup found its rightful place again thanks to Jace, Clary, Alec, Simon, and Isabelle. And myself of course. I honestly don't know what they would have done without me at times. And for a while things were good. Quieter. As quiet as it can be in the Shadow World. There were still demons to kill for Alec. Still an institute he had to run. The Clave was still on his every move. And we still lived in completely different worlds.

But I never thought that I would lose him the way it actually ended up happening. But who am I to predict the future anyway?

Sometimes I think, that I should just be grateful and happy for the time I got with him. I mean, when you think about it, it is quite amazing that we lasted so long giving that all odds were against us at all times.

But then there are those nights... Those nights where I lay awake in my bed and think, that if it were ever possible to die of a heartbreak - Well. Then even I would be gone by now.


	2. Chapter 1

"Magnus... Magnus, wake up. You're having a nightmare..."

I woke up to find Alec watching over me, his hand on me. I was coved in sweat and tears. "I'm sorry... I... It was my mother."

He looked at me. "Don't apologize. I thought the nightmares from that agony rune had stopped?"

I couldn't answer. I was shivering. He had his arms around me.

"It's ok, Magnus. You're ok. I'm here. Just tell me what I need to do..."

I practically jumped out of bed. What the hell was that? It's been a long time since I last dreamed of Alec. And it wasn't even a real dream, it was a memory.

I reached for the drawer in my night table, looking for the omamori charm I still carried with me, even after all this time. It was still there. Thank God.

I heard someone breath beside me and looked to my right. He had dark messy hair and a strong, young body. I didn't care about the lack of runes, for a moment I just needed to let myself believe that it was actually him. Then I pulled myself together.

I tapped the guy beside me. "Hey. Carl. You need to leave."

Carl woke up and looked at me, definitely not satisfied with being awoken in the middle of the night. "What the hell, Magnus...?"

"I mean it. I need you to leave. I can't..."

He murmured something while gathering his clothes before he slammed the door after him.

I sighed. Carl was one of the many rebounds I had been keeping myself busy with. When it was dark and I was drunk I could pretend that they were all someone else. Someone I'd lost. And don't get me wrong, Carl was cute. Very cute. Just not Alec Lightwood cute. But he took the pain away, at least for a while. And I've never been very good at coping with pain, and especially not alone.

"Why do you keep doing this to yourself, Magnus?" I whispered quietly to myself as I got up, pulled on a robe and poured myself a double whiskey.

I had thought it would stop the dreams. The memories of us. That was the main reason why I'd moved to Berlin. To get as far away from Brooklyn as possible. To get away from Alec and all the things that reminded me of him. Except for the omamori charm of course. That I could never get rid of.

I got out on the balcony, took a deep breath and let the fresh air clean my mind. I looked out over the city. The view here was amazing.

I remembered the first time I had taken Alec to Paris, and we were on the top of the Eiffel Tower. I'm not talking about just the top floor, but the actual top of the Eiffel Tower. He was so mesmerized by the view.

"Magnus, this is... This is beautiful. I've never seen anything like this."

I was standing right behind him, and while he was enjoying the view, I was just enjoying him.

"Neither have I, Alexander," I said quietly, still looking right at him.

He turned around to me. Smiling. God, his smile. Now _that_ was a beautiful thing. He had one of those rare smiles, and you always felt like you had to earn them. And when you did... I swear you felt like the luckiest person in the entire universe because you were the one making him smile like that.

A sirene down the street brought me back to the present. Why was I such a mess this morning? All those memories. I used to be able to block them.

I got back inside, poured myself another drink.

I took up my phone, decided to call Catarina. I definitely shouldn't be alone right now. The minute I looked at my phone, I saw the date, and suddenly everything made sense. Why I was such a wreck.

It was exactly two years since Alec and I broke up.


	3. Chapter 2

I woke up, only a little confused about where I was. I looked at my phone and realized it was only 4.30 in the morning. I didn't have to check the date. I knew what day it was.

I looked to my left and found Jace snoring peacefully beside me. Asshole. It was only just the sixth time that night that I had woken up because he had either kicked me or slapped his arm across my face in his sleep.

"I knew I should have just stayed at the Institute." I murmured as I dragged myself out of bed. I decided I might as well try to get some sleep on the couch - which of course was what I should have done from the beginning, but given that this was my first time back in New York in months, apparently, Jace had decided he wasn't going to leave me alone for even a second. He had barely left me to pee on my own last night.

And I got it. Cause I missed him too when I was in Idris. But staying in New York after Magnus and I broke up just didn't seem like an option. I had to get away. From everything.

According to the rumors in Idris, Magnus had needed that as well. Apparently, he had last been seen somewhere near Scandinavia in Europe. Not that I cared or anything. He could do whatever he wanted.

I walked around the loft, unable to find peace. It was weird being back here. At Magnus' loft. Our loft. Or well, it was Jace's loft now. At least for the time being. After Magnus and I had split, Jace had taken over the loft. He said he had more privacy here than at the Institute, and though it was quite unorthodox for a Shadowhunter not to be staying at either an Institute or in Idris, Jace got it his way. Surprise, huh? He'd always been very convincing - And after him being announced as an official Herondale, no one really contradicted him. Except me of course. But I was rarely here. To be honest, I hadn't really been back here since the day it all ended, so it's safe to say that I was feeling a bit nostalgic. And depressed.

Despite Jace's decorating skills that included much little furniture, a whole lot of training gear and endless wallpapers with half-naked girls, it was still weird being back. I used to live here. I used to have a life here - With Magnus. And now it was gone. Every little piece of it.

It hadn't really been my plan to spend _this_ day of all days in Brooklyn. In this loft. But when Jace called me to tell me that he wanted to throw himself an early birthday party and he'd like me to be there, of course, I came. If there was anyone I would do this for, then it was Jace. And I guess that in the end it was better being here with him than being alone and miserable in Idris.

So I just got here last night (which is also how I ended up being Jace's punching bag for the last few hours).

I sighed as I sat down on the sofa. I should really try and get some sleep. Jace had always been a morning person, and he would probably already be up and ready within the next few hours. Especially when he had a party to plan. I smiled sadly. There was only one other person I had known who would throw himself an early birthday party and get up early all excited to plan it. I'd never known anyone who could use as many excuses to throw a party as Magnus. One time I'm sure I even caught him throwing a birthday party for his cat.

I remember my very first birthday while we were together. I had told Magnus I didn't want a birthday party. I didn't think it was worth celebrating me getting older, while he didn't age.

"Alexander..." He always said my name like it was something sacred and precious like he was afraid he was going to break it if he said it too harsh.

"...if there is anything worth celebrating at all, then it is your birth."

But I had told him no. So you can imagine my surprise when I walked in later that evening to one of the most massive parties ever. He told me with a huge grin that it wasn't my birthday party. It was his "I'm-never-getting-older-but-my-boyfriend-is"-party.

I really wanted to be pissed at him. But how could I? It was his thing. And I knew that it was one of his many ways of showing me he loved me.

I closed my eyes while thinking back at the memory. Then I shook my head, disappointed in myself for getting lost in the past again. I pulled the blanket all over me and turned around on the sofa. I should really get some sleep. And definitely _not_ think about Magnus Bane.


	4. Chapter 3

I don't know for how long I was frozen like that, but I'm pretty sure I was standing there, just staring at the phone for a bit too long. Unable to move.

I know they say that time heals everything, but when you are a warlock (and therefore an immortal) time is a different matter. I told myself that's why I wasn't over him yet. Why I was still thinking about him, and why he was still stuck so deep inside me. Because, for a warlock, two years was nothing. I sighed. But so was three years. And those three years I had with him was better than even a decade with Camille. Hell, it was better than a decade with anyone.

I decided to text Catarina. I didn't trust my voice enough to make a phone call.

*It's been two years today.*

Her reply came almost immediately.

*Oh, sweetheart… let me know if there is anything I can do for you.*

She didn't have to say anything else. I just needed to know that someone was there. And she was.

God, I hated this. No matter how many centuries you have lived for, _this_ just never got easy. This was is exactly the reason why I had shut myself down from emotions for so many years. That was before Alec. Not even my wildest magic could have seen him coming.

I looked around me. This new loft still didn't feel quite like home. _But would anything ever feel home-like again without Alec?_ It would have been weird staying at the old one, regardless of anything though. That loft would forever have Alec all over it. And it belonged in Brooklyn.

I wondered if I would ever move back again. Right now it didn't seem like an option. There were too many memories and way too many unsaid things. But I knew that it was only a matter of time before Catarina no longer would be able to hold things together. Especially without my help.

I pulled out the omamori charm again and I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

Yes, it was stupid to hold on to something that your ex-boyfriend had given you when you were desperately trying to get over him, but it was more complicated than that. Not only was the charm a reminder that someone like Alec once had loved someone like me, but he had also considered me worthy of _gifts_. You'd be surprised how rarely that had happened to me over the years.

But Alec wasn't like anyone I had ever met before. As a warlock I was used to people bringing me demands, wanting something from me. People _using_ me. But for him… For him, it was never a one-way street. With Alec it was like, the more you gave him, the more he gave you back. I smiled as a sudden long lost memory appeared in front of me.

I walked into the loft as a rare smell caught my nose. Was someone cooking here? No one had ever cooked here other than me, and even that was mostly with the help of magic. This certainly wasn't.

I walked to the kitchen, only to see Alec deeply concentrated, looking over some pots and cutting vegetables. He was singing. Not very loud, of course not, but even this was rare. It was so rare that he loosened up and let himself just enjoy anything, that for a moment I just stood there, watching him, smiling. I felt so extremely lucky.

Finally, I spoke, "You know I have magic for this kind of stuff, right?"

He jumped, clearly not expecting me to be there. He sighed. "You surprised me."

I walked towards him. "Actually... I think you're the one surprising me," I put my arms around him, "If I'd known how good a Shadowhunter looked in my kitchen, I would have got me one sooner."

He raised one of his dark eyebrows, "So I'm your very first Shadowhunter, huh?"

"You're my first a lot of things, Alexander...

Including the very first to ever cook me dinner."

He smiled at me. "Well, Warlock. Prepare yourself to be amazed."

I grabbed the whiskey bottle and took a deep sip before another memory would start to appear. Something a lot harder to think about. And I wasn't about to lose control, not now. Then, just I was pulling myself together, someone knocked on my door.


	5. Chapter 4

I felt like I had just barely closed my eyes when I woke up to the smell of something burning.

I sat up and rubbed my eyes before I walked out to the kitchen.

"Good morning, sleeping beauty!" Jace yelled from behind the kitchen counter. I just glared at him and the massive cloud of smoke surrounding him.

"You know, Jace..." I said while still not being able to take my eyes from the mess in front of me, "If you plan on burning the entire place down, there _are_ simpler ways of doing it." I bumped down on one of the bar chairs placed at the other end of the counter.

"I'm making waffles," was all he said while still having his eyes and attention on the cloud of smoke.

"Are you sure about that?"

Finally, he looked at me. Or _looked_ was perhaps an exaggeration. It was more like an angry, intense stir.

"Why do you always have to be so ungrateful, when someone tries to do something nice for you, Alec?"

I almost burst out laughing, "First of all; it's not _someone_. It's you. Second of all; something _nice_ could just be not trying to literally kick me out of bed in the middle of the night."

"Oh. Yeah. Sorry about that, buddy. I thought you were used to things being a little rough in bed," He grinned while giving me a wink. I just rolled my eyes and counted to three in my head, trying to keep myself from punching him in his stomach. I loved Jace, but I was so not in the mood for his jokes, not today. I raised an eyebrow towards him as in saying _You done yet?  
_

Instead of saying anything he just tossed a plate towards me with what I assumed were those waffles he had talked about. It was hard to tell.

"So, since it's been forever since I've last seen you, I want to hear all about your life in Idris. But first, eat your breakfast. I'll be back in a second. I just have to feed the cats on the roof."

I really tried to hold back all the jokes that suddenly kept popping up in my thoughts, "The _cats_? You're taking care of the cats on the roof?" I threw my hands up and faked surrender, "You know what, just tell me what kind of demon you are and what you have done to Jace, and then I promise, I won't kill you."

If eyes could have killed, I am pretty sure I would have died a hundred times over by the look Jace gave me before heading up to the roof.

###

When Jace got back I was still trying to remove edges that were burned completely black from the so-called waffles, which in fact was most of them.

Jace sat down next to me and grabbed one of the waffles and just started eating, "So tell me, Alec..." He winked at me, "Are there any cute guys in Idris?"

I sighed. I hadn't exactly been with anyone since Magnus and I broke up. But I wasn't about to admit that to Jace.

"Well, uhm... I have been actually dating this guy for a while now. Jonas Hawkblue."

Jace looked at me and grinned, " _Hawkblue_? Really, Alec? That's the best you can come up with? Wasn't that the name of your imaginary girlfriend as well?"

I titled my head back in humiliation, "Oh, God. So Izzy told you about that, huh?"

"Alec..." Jace looked at me, suddenly quite serious, "It's me. You don't have to pretend anything, you know that, right?"

I sighed. "I just... Jace, I don't get what's wrong with me. It's like... When you thought that Clary was your sister and you couldn't be with her, instead of just waiting around, you..." I tried to find a decent way to say it, but there was none, "You literally just _humped_ everything with a pulse. And Magnus..." The second I said his name I could feel my heartbeat stop. After two years I still had to remind myself to breathe every time I talked about him, "Well, you know Magnus. He probably doesn't even remember what I look like at this point with all the 17,000 and something he has been with. I don't get why I can't just... be like that."

Jace grabbed a hold of my arm, "Alec. You're not Magnus. And you're definitely not me. What I do... I settle. When I can't get what I want, I go for something less. But you're _you_. And I've never seen you settle for anything other than what you want in your entire life. It's one of the things I admire most about you. You're my brother, my parabatai. And you also just happen to be my absolute favorite person on the planet. Don't forget that, just because things are tough right now, and you'd wish you were someone else."

I gave him a quick smile, "Your pep talks are getting better."

"I know, right? Who would have thought I could get even better than I already was?" And just like that Jace was back.

I decided that before he could even begin to talk about Magnus again, I quickly changed the subject. "So how _is_ Clary anyway?" _  
_

He shrugged, "She's doing good. Better than anyone had expected. I still can't believe you went against the Clave's wishes and made her Head of the Institute instead of Imogen when you left. Clary of all people."

Yes, it had been mad. And believe me; I had faced _a lot_ of battles for that decision in Idris. And it wasn't like she was my first choice (after all she _was_ Clary), but after everything with Valentine and the truce between the Downworld and the Shadowworld still being extremely fragile even after three years, the Institute was in need of someone with an open mind – and heart. Someone who would do what was best for not only Shadowhunters but for every single creature in the Downworld. Someone who wouldn't let themselves be stepped on by The Clave. And despite Valentine's uprising, no one could argue that Clary had really strong Shadowhunter-blood in her.

Besides, I knew how to spot a good leader when I saw one. And Clary was just that. At least she had the qualities to become one. And with Jace and Izzy there to help her at all times (well, mostly Izzy but Jace's status as a Herondale did help the situation a lot with the Clave), the Institute was in good hands.

"Well, she'd definitely proven since then that it was the right decision. She is doing an amazing job," That was the truth. She had definitely grown with the job through the past two years. I was - almost - impressed.

I looked at Jace, "But you know that wasn't why I asked about her."

He didn't say anything, so I continued. "I know am not exactly the person to be giving relationship advice, but it's been almost four years since she and Simon broke up. No one would hold it against you if you told her how you feel. How you still feel. Everyone knows how perfect you and Clary would be together."

"Like you and Magnus were?" Jace was still not looking at me.

"I don't want to talk about it, Jace. Me and Magnus... That was different. He left me. That was his choice. You can't make someone stay with you if they don't want to be there." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath once again. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't even want to _think_ about it.

"Alec..." He looked intensely at me, "Maybe you should stay here for a few days after tonight."

"You know, I can't do that, Jace."

"Look, Alec, I don't care about what kind of responsibility you have back in Idris. I care about _you_. And it's like... Even with you so far away, I can feel how miserable you are. I feel like I have a hole in my stomach all the time because I know, you're not happy. And I can't even do anything to help you. I can't cheer you up when you're in Idris. At least if you're here, then I can be there for you. And should you break down then I can help you pick up the pieces."

I thought about, only for a minute then I shrugged, "Fine. I'll stay. But only for a few days."

He jumped up from his chair, "I knew, you would say that! This is going to be okay, Alec. You will be okay again. I promise." He looked at the clock, "I have to get to the Institute soon. Are you coming?"

I smiled at him, "You know, I'm not going to disappear just because you leave me alone a few hours, right?"

He looked like he considered it a while and then nodded. "Fine. But if you want to spend some of your time off, helping your brother with a demon attack, then you know where to find me. It would be nice being on the same team as you again."

I smiled at him, "I'll catch up with you later, all right? Oh, and Jace; don't tell Izzy I'm here. I want to surprise her."

He nodded at me by the door, "You got that, buddy." Just before he left, he threw me a key, "Lock yourself out, ok? See you soon!"

As the door slammed, I stared at the key. And just like that, I was back to the last time I was given a key to this place.

We were still in bed, when Magnus looked at his phone, "It's Catarina. She needs help with some clients. I'll be back quick."

I got up with him. "Actually I should probably head back to the Institute as well. I think I need some clean clothes."

"I still think it's a shame to put clothes on that body, Alexander," He smirked while pointing a hand towards me. Then suddenly his face turned all serious, "Normally I would tell you, that I could just make your clothes clean with a single spell, but... I was actually wondering if you would like to have some of your stuff here."

I had just stared at him, not really grasping with he was saying, "But then I would have to head back here every time I needed something at the Institute and vice versa."

Magnus looked like he could have punched me in the face right there and then, "I mean that what if you were to stay here, whenever you weren't on duty at the Institute? With your stuff, and a key, and... You know. Like a home."

I didn't even know what to say. I'd never considered it an option, or that he would even want to have a Shadowhunter just coming and going as I pleased.

Clearly, Magnus took my silence as doubt.

"Look, I'm not saying it to frighten you, Alexander. It's fine if you don't want to. I was just thinking that it would be nice to have you here. Permanent."

"But... What would the other Warlocks think about that? And The Clave..."

Magnus put a hand up as to stop me from speaking, "Alexander, I don't care about what anyone else thinks about it. I care about what _you_ think about it. This is about you and me – Not the entire Downworld."

Finally, I looked at him and smiled, "I think I would like that." I walked towards him and kissed him, "I think I would like that very much. I love you."

He sighed, "Don't look at me like that. You have no idea what you do to me."

I raised an eyebrow and smiled while biting my lip, "I don't?"

Finally, he threw the phone away, "On second thought I think Catarina can wait for a little while. I think I have something more important to do right now."

And then he pushed me back on the bed.


	6. Chapter 5

My first thought as I opened the door was that I was definitely drunker than I thought. My second thought was that something had happened to Alec (I guess it says a lot, when you're ex-boyfriend is the first that comes to mind of people you want to be ok). But clearly, someone would have told me if that was the case. Wouldn't they?

Deep down I knew I'd given up the right to know anything about Alec's life a long time ago – And even though Catarina had been kind to give me Brooklyn-updates now and then, she never mentioned Alec (although that was the main reason to why I wanted to receive Brooklyn-updates in the first place).

I had three theories to why she didn't tell me anything:

A) She simply didn't have anything to tell. For all I knew, Alec might not even be anywhere near Brooklyn anymore.

B) She wanted to spare me from knowing things she knew I wouldn't want to know about, like the fact that he might be with someone else.

C) She figured that the less I knew and the less she mentioned him, the quicker I might recover from my heartbreak. Like that was ever going to happen.

I liked to think of this as the inevitable curse for anyone who has ever broken up with someone – Especially someone you still loved deeply. You don't get quiet moments in your head. And you can forget about ever getting any closure - And when you don't have that, then every single thing in the world will remind you of that person and the fact that you're not together. And _why_ you're not together.

Have you ever been with someone where you just knew in your heart and soul that this was it? Nothing would ever get better than what you had at that very moment. And then something extremely stupid happens that makes it all fall apart. Well, in this case with me and Alec; that stupid thing had been me. And I knew it. And because of that, I would probably spend the rest of my miserable eternity wondering about him.

I cut myself loose from my inner masochistic monologue while I still could and stared at the two gentlemen in front of me, still having a hard time believing they were actually here.

"Simon? Lucian? What are you doing in Berlin?" No, actually let me rephrase that; _how_ exactly are you in Berlin?"

Simon threw his hands up in the air and grinned, "Surprise!"

Luke shook his head at him, before talking.

"See, this is exactly why I insisted on coming along. It's good to see you again, Magnus."

He walked in and gave me a hug with Simon right behind him. I was still paralyzed at the front door, trying to get a grasp of what was happening.

"Catarina sent us."

I finally remembered how to move and turned towards Luke, as I started to put the pieces together in my head.

"Of course she did," I nodded. Apparently, my text from before had made a greater impact than first presumed.

"She said she would have come herself, but she was a bit hung up with clients and keeping all of Brooklyn's Warlocks satisfied on her own – She told us to be very sure you felt guilty about that. And then she said something about you needing to man up like the High Warlock you are and get your sweet, tight ass together and return home. Or something like that anyway," Simon shrugged, "I didn't catch the exact words. She was kind of pushing me through a portal at the same time."

I couldn't help but smile a little. It sounded just like Catarina. She was never late with the tough love. It was especially on days like these that I really missed having her around.

I looked at two men in front of me.

"I still don't understand why _you two_ are here?"

Simon smiled proudly, "Well, everyone was rather busy, and we were already in her apartment having a Downworlder-meeting, and since pretty much the rest of the Vamps are asleep during the day except for me, then, of course, I had some time to kill, and you know, you used to be my Downworld-sponsor and everything, so maybe she figured we could cheer you up a bit, and…"

Luke interrupted him, "Actually I just came along to make sure that Simon didn't start rambling like he is doing right now," he looked, first at Simon and then intensely at me, "Magnus, this is an intervention."

"An _intervention_?"

"You need to come back to Brooklyn. You can't just wander restlessly around in Europe forever. I mean, Jesus, Magnus, even this place… You can't live like this."

I looked around the loft. Magic or no magic, I hadn't bothered to clean up for a while now. The empty bottles of strong alcohol, the broken furniture from times where I had lost control of myself, the smell of way too many different colognes. It was all there as evidence from my last two years of struggle.

Yes, the loft was a mess. Life was a mess. But so was I, so it was only suitable.

"… and you really need to talk to Alec."

I stared at Luke. I wasn't sure I had heard even half of what he had been saying, but _that_ I heard. And it wasn't like I hadn't wanted to call Alec or text him every single day for the last two years, but I was about 99,9% sure that he absolutely did not want to hear from me.

"I can't do that. He doesn't want to speak to me."

"You don't know that, Magnus."

"I know that even if he wanted to speak to me, then I don't deserve it."

"You have to try. Not only so you can come home to the Downworld and the Warlocks in Brooklyn, but for _you_ , Magnus. You're not going to be able to let go of him or any of this if you don't end what you have started. Two years is long enough."

There it was again. The closure-thing. I knew they were right at some point. I wouldn't be able to move on unless I sorted the mess out. One way or another. But the thing was – I wasn't even sure, that I _wanted_ closure. Or maybe I just didn't want to find out, that Alec had already moved on without me.

God, I needed to get out of this place. I couldn't handle this. Why _now_? Why did all of this have to happen today of all days?

I emptied the entire bottle of whiskey in just one sip and told Simon and Luke that I needed to get some fresh air. That wasn't a lie.

I left the loft in such hurry that I only barely heard Simon shouting my name and Luke telling him to just let me go.

It was raining outside. Of course, it was.

My head was spinning, and I felt like I was on the nerve to lose my mind. I was in desperate need of some distraction. And I knew just where to get it.


	7. Chapter 6

Sometimes I'd wish he'd just pick up the damn phone and call me. Or that he'd just do... s _omething_. Something that could tell me if he still thinks about me just as much as I think about him. Because I did. All the time. And not just today. And if he did that as well, then maybe we weren't a total loss.

Now, I don't want you to think that I was just being miserable and heartbroken every single second for two years because I wasn't. I still lived my life. I had an extremely good position in Idris. And when something was funny I was still able to laugh. I had even tried dating. Briefly. But in the end I just... couldn't. And as it turned out, once you've dated the High Warlock of Brooklyn for three years, every so often somebody _will_ bring up his name in a conversation. And it's quite hard to even try to move on when you're always getting reminded of the man who left you. Not that I needed anyone to remind me of him. There wasn't a day where I didn't think of him, where I didn't question how and why it had ended.

I think that was my biggest problem. That I hadn't seen it coming. It's a lot easier to accept a break up when you know it's inevitable.

It's just that I had always imagined that if anything were to ever come between us, it would be all the difficulties that were always there given the fact that he was a Warlock and I was a Shadowhunter. It would be because of the Clave or the Downworld or even the immortality-thing or something like that. Something that had nothing to do with who we were as individuals – or together. I think it would have made sense to me then. And maybe, just maybe, it would have been a bit easier to let go off. At least that's what I tried telling myself. At least then we would have had someone else to blame.

And it's funny (well, not ha ha-funny, but you know) because I used to _love_ all the aspects of our relationship where it was just him and me without any of the extraordinary stuff going on. All the simple, mundane-sort of things. Whether it was just us going to dinner or us traveling, or us alone at the loft, drinking wine and laughing and talking. Or us in bed having really, really amazing sex.

I guess irony just really is a bitch.

###

When I got to the Institute almost everybody was out, so I headed straight towards my chamber. I had left some clothes there the last time I was here and I might as well get it over with. I know I had promised Jace to stick around for a few days, and I would, but after that, I wasn't sure when I would be back. This had been harder for me than I had first cared to admit. Everything just seemed to have Magnus written all over it.

The chamber looked just as I had left it. I opened the closet and started taking the clothes down. Then my eye caught something – All the way back in the closet.

I took it out and realized I was looking at a red silk with some gold glitter pattern on it. Definitely not my shirt. But I remembered it.

We were walking home to the loft from Hunter's Moon (Magnus wanted to portal us home but I always liked when things were "ordinary" between us), and it started raining. Badly. So we basically ran all the way home - which wasn't a short run, I might add.

When we finally got to the loft, we were soaking wet and yet somehow we just couldn't stop laughing. I don't even think neither of us knew what we were laughing about.

"Ok, so this is the last time I am ever letting you decide how we're going to get home", Magnus said in between laughs and pulled me closer and kissed me tenderly with water dripping from our hair and our clothes clinging to our bodies.

"Is it weird that I find you extremely irresistible when you're all wet?" he whispered into my mouth.

"Absolutely not. We should probably get out of these clothes soon if we don't want to catch a cold." I was practically already in the middle of taking off his shirt. A red silk with gold pattern on it.

He laughed, "I like the way you think, Shadowhunter."

I honestly don't know how the shirt ended up here in my closet at the Institute. My best guess is that I probably in some self-destructive behavior took it with me when I left the loft because I wasn't ready to leave it all behind.

I pulled the shirt close and sniffed it, and I could have sworn it still smelled just like him. If you think I'm starting to sound insane at this point, then you're probably right.

I heard heels clicking on the floor and I looked up just in time to see Isabelle running towards me and practically throwing herself at me with so much power that I nearly lost foothold.

"I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT! Jace has _the_ _worst_ poker face in the world!" She took a few steps back as to get a good look at me, like she wanted to make sure that I was in fact there, "You look good, big brother. I've missed you - I feel like I haven't seen you in ages."

I laughed and pulled her close again. I'd certainly missed her just as much.

Then she noticed the shirt in my hands.

"So... That's clearly not yours."

I didn't say anything, so she guessed, "Magnus?"

I just nodded, and she cupped my chin and studied me closely, "Are you ok, Alec?"

"I'm fine."

"But you're not."

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, first of all, you're standing here, smelling an old shirt."

"So you saw that..." I whispered partly for myself, and I could feel myself blushing from embarrassment.

She nodded, "and you know... today _is_ two years since he... you know..."

"How do you even -"

She rolled her eyes at me, "I'm your sister, Alec. It's my _job_ to know such things. Besides you got that look on your face."

"I don't have a look."

"You do though. And whenever you got that look, it is _always_ about Magnus."

I just closed my eyes and tried to remind myself to keep breathing normally.

"Can I do anything?"

"Can we just – Can we just skip it and talk about something else? Please, Izzy."

She looked at me for a few seconds, then she gave up and shrugged, "Fine. As you wish, big brother." She took a few steps back again and gave me a full elevator look as she studied the clothes I was wearing.

"You're not planning on wearing that tonight at the party, are you?"

I was actually. But I almost didn't dare to tell her with the look she was giving me.

"I thought you just said I looked good?"

There was the eye-roll again. Sometimes I wondered if it was just a plain Lightwood-thing because I am pretty sure this was how Jace felt most of the time when talking to me.

"Sometimes I really don't get how you survive without my guidance in Idris."

"And I don't get how you survive without me here to look after you."

"I'm not a little girl, Alec. I can look after myself, thank you very much. And besides... Simon has been very helpful in keeping me company," She smirked.

I raised an eyebrow, "Really, Izzy? Another Vampire?"

She looked first at me, then at the shirt in my hands, and then back at me, "I don't think you're in any place to be judging me right now."

"I'm not judging. I'm just pointing out that you don't exactly have the best history with Vampires."

"Oh come on, Alec! You can't compare Simon to Rafael. Simon is just... sweet. And cute in a kind of nerdy way."

"And he is _Simon_... I think you could do a little better than that."

"I think I'm starting to wish you right back to Idris. You could at least give him a chance, Alec. Besides, we aren't even dating; we've just been talking and hanging out a little."

From the look on her face, I could tell that it was a bit more than that. But I supposed she would tell me when she was ready. Just like I would.

"Just promise me one thing then?"

She waited.

"... don't let him bite you."

She laughed, "Guess I deserved that. And Alec?" She cupped my chin again, "I know, you don't want to talk about Magnus, and that's ok. I'm not going to pressure you. Just know that I'm here if you ever do want to talk about it. And it's ok, you know – It's ok not to be over him."

I didn't say anything. She knew I wasn't going to. I've always been more of a suffer-in-silence-kind-of-type. So for a while, we just stood there...

Eventually, she clapped her hands, "Well, alright then – Shopping it is?"

I sent her an apologizing look, "Actually I think the clothing-issue is going to have to wait a while. I think I'm going to find Jace and catch up with him on some Demon hunt he mentioned earlier. I really feel like I need to kill something today...

And then I kind of have somewhere I need to be later."

She was curious now, I could tell. But then she let out a deep sigh, "I'm not even going to bother asking you because you're not going to tell me anything anyway, are you?"

Sometimes she just knew me so well.


	8. Chapter 7

So, Frederic was this Vampire I had been seeing casually for a few months now. He was the leader of one of the most powerful Vampire clans in Berlin, and our "relationship" (which consisted mostly of shallow sex) sort of worked like this; whenever he had time to kill and he was bored (either with the other Vampires or one of his mundane pets) he called me. And I hardly ever said no. Even though I knew I should.

In many ways, Frederic reminded me a lot of Camille. He was extremely good-looking, yes, and he was so easy to become addicted to. But he was also manipulative and selfish and he mastered the skill of picking you up only to throw you back on the ground himself to perfection. I basically only kept seeing him to prove this point; Since I was the kind of person who tended to screw things up, I surrounded myself with people who would manipulate me and use me, so I wouldn't be out hurting or ruining the life of someone who was actually good and pure and decent. Like Alec. Therefore, this way, the universe was in balance.

So of course when Luke and Simon came to my door with all their crap about me having to talk to Alec, I knew I had to go somewhere and to someone who would keep me from doing just that. Someone who would convince me that I was _exactly_ the kind of person who shouldn't be around Alec. And Frederic was perfect for that.

###

I walked straight into the Vampires nest, knowing very well that Frederic was probably going to be sleeping and not at all fond of me being there. After all, this had been working perfectly well (or something) for the past months with him as the initiator. But I didn't care. I needed this, and I was going to get it.

So, I took a deep breath and knocked on his door.

"Magnus? What the _hell_ are you doing here?" He opened the door, and I looked around, just to make sure that he was alone. He was, so instead of answering him I just pushed him back and started taking his clothes off. We never kissed. Kisses were for love, and this wasn't it. Not even anything close. It was pure need and desperation. And a little bit of heartbreak.

He pulled back and looked at me, clearly not thrilled about being ambushed. But then he smiled a predatory smile that showed off the sharp corners of his teeth, "Fine. Let's do this then - But this needs to happen quietly if we don't want company."

The moment I heard what he said, I blinked. This was way too familiar. So I snapped back. Almost five years back.

After the whole Valentine-thing ended, Alec had been drowning in work for weeks. There were so many things to sort out with The Clave in Idris and there were paperwork and meetings and etc. I had barely seen him, so one late evening I decided to show up unannounced at his office, just to get a glance of that beautiful face of his.

The door to his office was ajar when I got there and as I glanced in, I saw Alec sitting at his desk with his feet up, half-asleep with paperwork everywhere around him. Although my heart was breaking for him and the amount of pressure he was in at the moment, I couldn't help but smile at the sight in front of me. Someone so tall and strong and handsome should not be able to look _that_ adorable.

I knocked gently on the doorframe, and he flinched. I suppressed a small laugh.

"For a Shadowhunter, you are very easy to scare, my darling."

He rubbed his eyes and stretched, "I think I fell asleep…"

"I can see that. Well, be glad that it was only me, who caught you being so lazy," I joked.

He smiled tiredly, and then he sent me a worried look, "Please don't say we had a date or something that I forgot..."

I waved him off, "No such thing. I just wanted to see for myself that you were in fact still alive."

"Well, it's a good thing, you came now, then. I'm pretty sure that I'll be dying slowly within the next few hours," He walked towards me and pulled himself into my arms, hiding his face in my shoulder and neck, "I've missed you. Sorry I've been so distant lately."

"Don't be. I can be very patient when I have to. Although you really ought to relax a bit. You're extremely tense." I said while gently rubbing his back.

"I think I was born that way..." He murmured against my skin, before tilting his head back, "That feels amazing by the way," He hummed pleasantly.

I tried not to laugh. He was unbelievably cute when he felt sorry for himself.

I could already feel him starting to relax, so I slipped my hands up under his shirt and slowly kissed the rune on his neck, "Do you know what else feels amazing?"

I pulled one hand out and waved it towards the door behind me, closing and locking it.

"Magnus... I can't... Not here..."

His breathing was already getting heavier, as I continued to kiss him on his neck and down his chest and stomach, holding his shirt up with my hands so I got full access to his beautiful skin.

I sat down in front of him and unbuckled his belt, while slightly noticing the bulge in his pants growing bigger. I smiled to myself, pleased with his reaction.

I glanced up at him, "You can just tell me to stop?" I said, knowing very well, that I had him.

And he didn't say stop. Instead, he bit his lip and closed his eyes, clearly concentrating on not making too much noise, but as I stripped him from his pants and shoved my hand into his underwear, a deep moan slipped from his mouth.

I gently kissed his lower stomach, while not losing my grip on him, and I couldn't help but grin, "We should probably start getting you practiced in keeping quiet unless you want the whole Institute to know I'm here."

I felt like I could see his face blushing right in front of me, and as I looked up and saw Frederic there, I felt sick. I felt _guilty_. And it wasn't a new feeling. Every time I did something like this a part of me always felt like I was betraying Alec. I had just been very good at keeping that part quiet. But right now I couldn't.

"I can't do this," I whispered while taking a few steps back.

Frederic stared at me, "You're kidding, right? _You_ came _here_ , Magnus."

"I know." I took a deep breath and cleared my throat, "…But I think, I just realized, that what I need right now, isn't something I'm going to find here."

He sighed dramatically, "This is about that _Shadowhunter_ of yours, isn't it?" He spit the word _Shadowhunter_ out of his mouth like it was toxic and I knew I shouldn't be judging. I had done it myself too many times in the past, but that was all before Alec, and right now I just wanted to rip Frederic's head off.

"Unfortunately he is not _my_ Shadowhunter," I said, and it was like a punch to my stomach to admit it, "But it is about him. And it's about the fact that I need to step up and be worthy of him. That can't happen while I'm still doing this."

He laughed, "Come on, Magnus. The damage is practically already done. And a tiger doesn't change its stripes that easily."

I looked right through him, "I have to go."

And as I left, I knew, that this was the last time I would ever be coming back here.

###

I literally _ran_ out of there.

And in case you were wondering, then yes, it was still raining outside.

The part of me that was going crazy wanted to laugh and dance in the rain. I had just turned down Frederic and therefore broke my pattern. Over the past two years, I had hit rock bottom, and Catarina, Simon, and Luke had all been right – I needed to man up and rise again.

The other part of me felt like I was going to faint at any given minute. What the hell had I even been doing? It's quite ironic that the main reason why I broke up with Alec was that I didn't want him to be around someone like me, someone who didn't have their shit together and kept messing things up. But ever since then I had been doing just that. And if I didn't want him to be around the person I was two years ago, I sure as hell didn't want him to be around this version of me either.

Frederic was right. The damage had been done. And I knew that if I ever wanted to fix what was left of me and Alec, I would have to rebuild it all from scratch. Starting with myself.

I took my phone out and stared at Alec's phone number, which I, of course, had been saving on my phone for the past two years. But I'd never reached out to him. On the other hand, he'd never reached out to me either. Not that I could blame him for that. Two years ago I failed him completely. He had begged me to stay, and I had left. And it had been the hardest thing I had ever done in my entire existence. Even the very thought of it still made my heart cringe.

And I knew that was why I hadn't reached out since. Because if I so much as heard his voice or took a look at him, it would all come crashing down again. All the walls I had tried to rebuild, all the reasons why I had left and why I had stayed away for two years trying to forget him would disappear the second I looked at him. Because that was what always happened when I looked at Alec. It was like the whole world around me stopped to function, and he was all there was.

So I knew that I needed to be ready before doing this. I needed to accept the consequences of my actions, and I needed to accept what I had done. And that meant that I could no longer hide or block it out with alcohol and sex.

I took a deep breath, and I leaned against a wall, closing my eyes and letting the rain consume me. And for the first time in two years, I actually let myself think back to how it had ended.


	9. Chapter 8

I hated feeling like this. Vulnerable. Incomplete. Like I was somehow defeated.

For as long as I could remember I had been trained into believing that emotions were for mundanes only. And now, even two years later, those same emotions were consuming me little by little from the inside, _and I hated it._

Therefore I had been extremely good at building up a mask. It was enough that _I_ knew that I was broken. I didn't need every single Shadowhunter to know it as well. To think of me as weak. Sometimes I could almost believe in the mask myself, and I felt ok. And if it was really good, then I could feel ok for even a few days. But then it would hit me all over, and I'd stop functioning, and everything would fall apart once again.

When things got really bad, that's when I grabbed my bow and quiver, and I would spend hours like that. It was about the only time where I still felt like myself. The self I had been before all of this. I guess you could say it was therapeutic.

But all that was back in Idris. People didn't know me that well in Idris, even if they thought they did, so it was easier to pretend like everything was fine, even when it wasn't. But being in Brooklyn with Jace and Izzy... They knew me better than anyone, and I could literally feel it getting harder and harder to put on a mask with every single look of pity they gave me. And it didn't exactly help that this day for itself was just... urgh.

So to say that I _needed_ to kill something might have been an understatement. At this point, I felt like it was becoming vital. To not sit still and to be able to focus on something else other than my memories who already served me way too well.

So I caught up with Jace as quickly as I could, and at least he was kind enough not to mention Magnus for the time being. That's one of the perks of being parabatai. You know when to keep your mouth shut about something. Most of the time anyway.

I'd almost forgotten how much I missed fighting side by side with him. It was so easy because we barely had to say a word to know what the other one was going to do. That's one of the perks of having fought together since you were kids. No matter how much time there went by you still knew each other's every move. And for the first time in a long time, I actually found that I was enjoying myself to the fullest. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I totally kicked Jace's ass as well. I don't know. But that felt kind of therapeutic too.

Therefore I felt almost good as I walked down the street towards that doorstep that over the past years had become so familiar.

I was just about to knock on the door when it opened by itself. Almost like magic. For all I knew, it was.

I walked in and a second later Catarina showed up, already in her hospital uniform, so clearly she had been waiting for me.

"Alec Lightwood! What a pleasure to see you back here!" She gave me a big hug and kissed me on the cheek.

"It's good to see you too, Cat."

"I really hope you know that you are a complete lifesaver today. I am _so_ busy with clients and shifts at the hospital, and -" She glanced up the stairway before she continued, "- She doesn't really trust that many people after everything with Iris and Valentine, so it's hard to find someone she is actually comfortable being alone with, when I'm not around. I will repay you though, I promise."

"There's nothing to repay, you know that. You've been more than kind through the past few years towards both me and the Institute. And besides – You know I don't mind spending time with Madzie. She's a good kid."

Catarina nodded in agreement, "Well, so are you, Alec." Then she narrowed her eyes at me, "How are you doing, honey?" _Damn it._ So obviously I wasn't feeling as good as I thought I was.

"... I guess I've had better days." I finally answered.

She tilted her head to the side, "I know this is none of my business, and you can just tell me to shut up – But I don't think you should give up on him. He has a difficult past. He just needs some time to sort things out."

"It's been two years, Cat. I think he has had plenty of time to come back if that was what he wanted. I stopped hoping for that to happen a while ago." That was only partly true. The whole truth was that every time I was in New York, I still searched for his face. And it was torture because I knew I wasn't going to find him here. But apparently, that didn't stop my heart from skipping a beat every time I saw someone who had even the slightest resemblance to him.

Before Catarina could answer, we heard a noise from upstairs, and the next thing I knew this little, beautiful creature was screaming my name and jumping towards me only halfway down the stairs. I caught her mid-air.

"That's a bit dangerous, don't you think?" I said as I hold her in my arms.

Madzie just giggled, "It's not when I know you catch me."

I shook my head at her, and I already felt better than I had a minute ago. She was so precious, it was simply impossible to not be in a good mood around her.

Catarina clapped her hands, "Alright then! I'll leave you two to it. And you -" She pointed at Madzie, "- You be nice to Alec. And You -" This time she was pointing at me, "- Don't give her any ice cream... Or anything that she can turn _into_ ice cream. It's not good for her. I'll be back as soon as I can get off duty."

"Just take your time, Cat," I smiled at Madzie, "I think we're going to be just fine, aren't we?"

She nodded eagerly.

###

We were sitting on the floor in Catarina's living room, drawing in some of Madzie's coloring books and eating ice cream (What can I say? I was an easy victim and she knew it).

I glanced over at one of her pictures, and I gaped, "Seriously? I draw runes _all the time._ How are you so much better at this than me?"

She just smiled and shrugged.

I looked closely at her, "If you're using magic, that's cheating."

She giggled and threw her hands up, "I'm not!"

I smiled at her before I looked down again and concentrated on coloring one of my own pictures. I needed to step up my game because this was getting way too embarrassing. But I could still feel her look at me like there was something she wanted to say but didn't know how to.

Finally, I looked at her, "Ok, tell me what you're thinking."

She hesitated before she spoke, "Alec, do you think, I can have runes like you someday?"

I was quiet for a while before I answered. Sometimes I think I forgot how new and innocent she still was in the Shadow World, even with everything she had been through.

"I'm afraid not. Runes are for Shadowhunters. Like me. But you are a warlock, and that means that instead of runes you get to have those really cool gills instead," I pointed towards the scarf on her neck and what it was hiding, "And to be honest those are _way better_ than some silly runes."

She nodded, but she still looked concerned.

"But we can still be friends, right?"

I pulled her close to me and let out a small laugh, "That's what you're afraid of? That we can't be friends? You don't have to worry about that. You are in fact one of my best friends. And I'm one of yours, right?"

She nodded, and her face was beginning to light up now and she looked at me, excited, "Does that mean that one day we can train together?"

I laughed, "Sure. If you want to. But we should probably find somewhere else to do it other than at the Institute, so we don't get Clary in trouble for unauthorized training." Although, I thought to myself, that could be kind of funny considering all the trouble she had gotten me into when she first arrived at the Institute.

Madzie nodded and looked satisfied with my answer. Then she looked up at me again, "Did you and uncle Magnus ever train together?"

The question took me completely by surprise. It had been a long time, she had last asked me about Magnus, and I was beginning to get a faint idea about where this was going, and it was not somewhere good.

"Um, we did... A little bit... Not much really." I couldn't exactly tell her that those few times Magnus and I had even tried training together, it had always escalated into a bit more... intimate training. So we had quickly dropped it.

"When do you think he will be back?" And there it was. I didn't know how to tell her that I wasn't sure he ever would be. But I couldn't lie to her either.

"I honestly don't know... But I know that he is thinking of you and that he misses you." I tried.

"I just miss him..." She murmured.

I felt my heart breaking for her, so I stroke her hair and took a deep breath.

"Yeah... Yeah, I miss him too."

That was the first time in two years I had actually dared to say the words out loud.


	10. Chapter 9

**A/N:**

Phew. So this update has been a long way coming. To make it a little better this will be a two chapter-update and hopefully, a third chapter will be up shortly followed.

The following chapter (chapter 9) will be the _only_ chapter in the story written in a third-person point of view, and it was so difficult to write! I'm still not sure that I am all too satisfied with how it turned out, but it will have to do for now.

A huge thank you to the people who have reviewed on the previous chapters - I'm so thrilled that the story has you all going with so many feels! Whether it be good or bad, hah. Hopefully, you will enjoy how it all plays out in the end. Happy reading!

* * *

 **2 YEARS EARLIER...**

Alec clenched his fists and closed his eyes. He had his back turned against Magnus. Alec was trying really hard not to yell, but right now he felt so frustrated and angry. No, he didn't feel angry. He felt hurt.

This wasn't the first fight they had had about Magnus's fluctuated behavior. Lately, there had been quite a few, to be honest, and they were only becoming more and more frequent as Magnus's moods got worse.

Lately, it was like he wasn't even with Alec most of the time, even when he was there; like he was stuck in his mind with thoughts he couldn't get free of. And every time Alec asked about it, Magnus just shut down.

That was how the fights always started. Usually, they ended with either Magnus or Alec leaving the loft in anger or frustration and a few hours later when things had settled, they would make peace. Right until the next time, and then everything would start over.

However, this time it was different. No matter how many times they argued Magnus had _never_ talked about leaving or about the fact that maybe they shouldn't be together. They had each other. That was just the way things were now. Or at least it was the way things used to be.

Alec took a deep breath before he turned around to look at Magnus.

"I can't believe you just said that. What happened to _when things get crazy, don't push me away_?"

Magnus sighed, "I'm not pushing you away, Alexander." That was a lie. Magnus knew he was pushing Alec away, but what else could he do? This was the only solution he knew, "I'm just saying that I think I _need_ to get away. I'm a complete mess, and I'm not... I'm not _good for you_ right now."

"The only thing you need to do right now, Magnus, is to talk to me. You've been like this for months, and every time I try to get you to talk to me, you act like this. It's like you're not even giving me a chance."

For the first time since the fight started Magnus looked up at Alec and it almost broke the warlock's heart to see Alec looking at him like that; so full of frustration and confusion. And something third Magnus couldn't quite interpret. But no matter what it was it only helped convince Magnus that he needed to do this. If not for anything else, then for Alec.

"I am _trying_ , Alexander," Magnus said truthfully, "I know you don't think I am, but I'm trying. But right now I am only destroying us, and I am going to destroy everything good we ever had if I don't _try_ to do the right thing now. I know I am. I can see it in the way you're looking at me, and I don't want you to look at me one day and hate me."

For a brief second Alec almost laughed. Why did Magnus always have to be so dramatic about _everything_? Indeed he was looking differently at Magnus, but it had nothing to do with hate. The only way Alec was looking at Magnus right now was with pure worry.

Alec's face softened a bit as he stepped closer to the warlock and gently cupped his face.

"Believe me, when I say, that I am certainly not thrilled about you right now. But Magnus, I could never _hate you_. I love you. Don't you get that? And I want to love you, each and every piece of you. I can see you're struggling. And I... I don't understand why you won't let me help you? You have to let me be there for you. I can't... I can't help you if you don't tell me what's going on."

"You're right. You don't understand..." Magnus closed his eyes for a moment and let himself feel the calm of Alec's palm on his face, and his heart almost broke. "You can't help me," he whispered quietly.

"I can. You know I can. You just have to help me understand first," Alec whispered desperately.

"You _can't_. You can't understand this. No one can. It's like I have all these voices in my head all the time, and I don't know how to keep them quiet any longer." Magnus looked up at Alec with tears in the corners of his eyes, "But I do know that I need to figure it out on my own. I love you far too much to put you through this any longer. Alexander, you... You deserve _so much_ more than this. Someone who isn't wrestling demons in their head all the time. You deserve someone _whole._ " Magnus felt his voice crack as he spoke the last sentence, "I can't be that person."

Alec took a breath he didn't even know he had been holding. He knew what was happening, but he also knew that it just _couldn't happen_.

"Magnus, are you even listening to me? I don't care about your demons. And I certainly don't care about you not being whole. No one is whole, Magnus. You don't need to face all of this alone. That's not how we do things. Just... Please, just let me help you."

Magnus didn't say anything, and Alec could feel himself starting to become more and more desperate.

"If you love me, then you can't... You can't do this. It's been three years, Magnus. You're not doing this to me. Not like this. Please."

Magnus squeezed his fits. He needed to stay strong. Right now everything inside of him was screaming to just pull Alec close and never, ever let go of him. Everything except that small voice that kept growing stronger and Magnus couldn't stop it. He needed to do this.

He pulled away from Alec's touch, "I wish you could hear what I hear in my head all the time, Alexander. In my heart, I am all yours, but my head... My head keeps telling me that I'm not what you should be around. I feel like you're betting all your money on me and I don't - I don't deserve to have you betting everything on me. I am the least suited person for it. And I'm sorry that it took me so long to figure out. I should have done this a long time ago. I just... I was being selfish."

Alec looked at Magnus with a despairing look, "Do I even get a say in this? Because you should know by now that I don't see it that way. Magnus, you deserve _everything_. And I want to give it to you. Why can't you just let me do that?"

Magnus moved closer to Alec and this time it was his turn to gently cup Alec's cheek.

"I love you. My sweet, beautiful Alexander... You are the realest thing I have ever had in my life. Nothing will change that. But one day you will see that I was right to do this. And you will thank me for it."

"That's bullshit." Alec murmured.

"Alexander..." Magnus leaned his forehead against Alec's and both men closed their eyes. Breathing each other in.

"This can't be happening. I can't... I can't lose you."

"Alec..."

"Please. We can fix this, Magnus. Just... Please. Just stay. Let me try and fix this."

"This is not something you can fix. I have to do this." Magnus paused and concentrated on keeping his voice steady, "I need you to let go of me, Alexander. Please. You need to let me go..."

Magnus placed a gentle kiss on Alec's forehead. Alec couldn't answer. Even if he had known what to say there was a huge possibility that he would come completely undone the second he tried speaking. So he kept his eyes closed and didn't say anything.

The next time he opened them, Magnus was gone.


	11. Chapter 10

When I left the loft that night I did not look back. I was afraid that if I did then Alec would look at me and all the love I had for him would overflow, and I wouldn't be strong enough.

I left Brooklyn that same night. I didn't know where I was going and, to be honest, the destination couldn't matter less. All that mattered was that I got as far away as possible.

And I had been running ever since. I figured that by going to new locations and new time zones filled with new people, then maybe, just maybe, one day I could forget what I had left behind. But I never did. Maybe if this was my first escape then it wouldn't have taken me so long to get to this point of realization. But sticking around when things in my head got tough... That required a certain kind of strength. One I hardly possessed.

I know that Alec always viewed me as being such a strong person, but the truth is that I've never really considered myself strong in any way; except for when it comes to the people I love and care about. There really isn't anything I wouldn't do for them.

And you can be very sure, that Alec was on the top of that list.

I remember one night before everything started to fall apart. Alec got home late after a meeting at the Institute; a meeting his mother had attended. He didn't say anything when he walked into the loft; he just closed the door and stood there, leaning up against it, his body was shivering with anger. He had tears in his eyes.

This wasn't unusual behavior whenever Alec spent the evening with Maryse Lightwood. And the combination of his mother _and_ work combined were never a good cocktail.

I walked over to him and lay a hand on his shoulder.

"Anything I can do for you?"

"Can you make up a spell to give me a new set of parents?"

"Well, it's certainly not _impossible_ but I don't think that's what you really want to."

He smiled vaguely, "You're probably right."

"I usually am." I joked before I placed a kiss on his cheek.

I took him to bed where I tucked him into my arms. He had his head on my chest, and I ran my fingers through his hair with one hand while drawing circles on his back with the other.

"Tell me something." He mumbled against my shirt.

"Like what? A bedtime story?"

I was teasing him, and even though I couldn't see his face I could feel him smiling. And that was exactly what I wanted; Alec smiling.

"Well, yeah. I guess you can call it that. But don't make something up. Just... Tell me something about you; something I don't already know."

I straightened up a bit. It was rare that Alec ever asked directly to hear stories from my past. And it was rare that I told him things he didn't absolutely _need to know_. Not because I didn't want to share it with him; I just didn't want him to feel like he eventually would be just another story for me to tell as well.

But this night I obeyed his wish, and I told him stories. Stories from centuries ago, stories that were worth hundreds of years. Once or twice he nodded when he agreed to something or he let out a small laugh when I told him something funny. But for most of the time being he just stayed quiet and listened. And for every story I told him, I could feel how his body starting to relax.

I spend the entire night like that; talking to him, holding him in my arms until he drifted off to sleep to the sound of my voice.

Through these past two years, I had often asked myself if I made a mistake leaving him back then. Did I feel regrets about it? Of course, I did. And whenever I thought about nights like that, that's when I felt most guilty about leaving. That's when I knew deep inside that with the right person I could be worthy. Hell, at times like that night I even _was_ worthy.

But I constantly had this struggle going on inside of me like I was made out of two halves; a good and a bad. And you can tell me that we're all like that, but no. Not like this. There was the half of me that knew my own worth and what I meant to those around me; the half that made me feel worthy and capable of taking love in; the half that knew that regardless of my past, I was not the devil. But facts are that around Alec, sometimes I felt like I was.

Hence, the other half; the one with all the demons, all the fear, and insecurities. I wish I could say that after having lived through centuries, I knew how to win against that half. But just because you have lived with something for a long time, that doesn't mean that you know how to control it before it starts controlling you. It was like having a constant voice in the back of my head, whispering _you're not worthy of this. You don't deserve to be this happy._ It was like being stuck in a wormhole of utter negativity and I had no way out.

And let me tell you right now, that immortality does _not_ provide a ladder out of the pit. Nothing does.

Not even the one person you love more than anything.

That's how this whole breakup-thing started in the first place. Alec and I had been together for about two and a half year. There had been both ups and downs. Highs and lows. And all the in-betweens. It had flaws. We had flaws. But that was what made it so perfect. That was what made it real to me.

Then the voices in my head started talking; louder and louder. Because you see, Alec just kept evolving as a person. To me, he had always been beautiful, and his soul... Even for a Shadowhunter, his soul was just _so pure_. But as he started feeling more and more comfortable in his own skin and began accepting who he was, he grew even more beautiful.

As an immortal, I have been everywhere, seen everything. Food, sex, people. It's all the same and it all blurs together. Very few things surprise me. But Alec did. And every time I thought that he couldn't surprise me anymore, he went and did something that proved me otherwise.

So naturally, I got scared. I got scared that he would eventually figure out that I wasn't good enough for him anymore, that maybe I was too damaged for someone like him. And then I began feeling trapped. I was stuck in my head with all my demons and all my self-defeating thoughts.

It's sad because if anyone ever made me feel good about myself then it was him. He was the only person who ever made me feel beautiful in all ways possible; who made me feel like I was irreplaceable. He wanted nothing more than to love me and he demanded nothing more than my love in return.

The problem is that when someone makes you feel like that then that is the person you become most afraid will ever think less of you.

I so deeply wanted to believe him when he told me he loved me, but it's a hard thing to accept that someone can love you like that when you're used to being expandable; when you have demons inside of you that barely allow you to love yourself. In the end, I just gave up pretending that I could actually be worthy of that kind of love when I so clearly wasn't sorted out for it.

So I did what I had always done when I felt like someone around me could no longer benefit from who I was; I pulled away from them. It's stupid, but that was the cycle I had found myself in for hundreds of years. It was an old habit, and those are hard to get rid of.

And it was exactly those kinds of habits that had turned my life into this infinite loop of just repeating the same painful mistakes over and over again until I had nothing but pain left. As per usual, I had convinced myself that I had left for all the right reasons. I had plainly accepted that this was just how it was for me. I was so used to the solution always being painful that I had started to fear any path that did not come with agony. I had convinced myself that I could never be deserving of something good. But truth is that I wanted to deserve something good because I so desperately ached for something good.

No. Scratch that.

I wasn't aching for just _something good_. I ached _for him_. It was always _him_.

And only then did I finally realize it.

All the excuses I had been holding onto for the past two years were bullshit; lies I had told myself to distance myself further from the truth.

This was not my first time running away. This was, however, the first time I felt the urge to go back and fix my mistakes. And I knew that I would still have to force myself to do it through fits of angst and a constant battle to _not_ let the demons take over, but I was getting there. The fire had been lit now. I still felt lost, but somehow that was alright. I knew where I was going now, and that was something I hadn't known for a long time.

I was bringing Luke and Simon back to Catarina's. I was bringing myself _home_.

And I wasn't running away again. I'd like to believe I could be that strong this time around.


End file.
